Jade
by Schuyler Lola
Summary: Jealousy drove deeper as he watched them. Oneshot. Maybe a little spoilery for DH.


**Disclaimer: **Funny thing is, I don't own anything Harry Potter-related. I mean, I have a few movies, and all the books, and I've been a fan for eight years or so, but I don't get the royalties.

This is a one-shot. Consider it one of the memories in DH that Snape didn't share with Harry.

I write in a couple other fandoms, but this is my first dabble in the Harry Potter fandom. Enjoy! Feedback is appreciated.

Jade

He slid himself in behind a tree, close enough to see, far enough away to dissuade him from attempting to do any damage. He was afraid of the rage he had – crippling at the moment, but it could become more later, something for him to act on…

Banishing the thought, he pulled out his wand. There would be no mistakes, no chance that any of the merry crowd should see him. The protection around the revelry was laughable, at most and he wondered what any of them would think, knowing that he, one of _them_ was there.

_One of them_. A Death Eater. The name sounded evil to him, for the first time. He could hear Lily's disapproval, her revulsion. _"Sev, how can you?"_ the Lily that lived in his mind, demanded of him.

Snape closed his eyes, trying to imagine her face. He knew it well, after years of studying it, being her friend. He felt the blow of panic. When he tried to conjure up her face, he saw her angry and accusing, reminiscent of the last time she had really spoken to him. He couldn't think of a smiling laughing Lily. She was staring at him, in his mind's eye. Angry. He felt the guilt creeping up. She could make him feel guilty like no other.

Strains of music floated out to his ears. As if it were difficult, he took his time in opening his eyes. Out in the clearing, people were standing, trying to see someone. He didn't have to look to know whom they were searching for. Still, he stepped out from behind the tree, to catch a better look? What did it matter if they saw the leaves rustle? He was invisible. The thought made his spirit fall further.

The shaft of read hair came into view. _Lily_. He fixed his eyes on her trying o imprint this image of her in his memory. Trying t pretend she looked this way for him.

For a fleeting minute, she could. Lily walked close to him, beaming in a way he had never seen before. He could've reached out and touched her dress.

The Lily in his mind seemed to soften. _"Sev,"_ she said gently, _"don't."_

She was always more forgiving in his mind, even if he knew she wasn't that way. Still, he listened to her, his dream Lily. He stayed behind the trees, drinking in her looks, the real Lily. She was exquisite today, Snape thought. Then, bitterly: why shouldn't she? She was getting married. He resisted the urge to spit. Getting married, to James Potter! "Potter," he growled, using the full force of his hatred. He held his breath as Lily passed, hoping she didn't hear him.

She continued on. He was safe.

A dry chuckle forced its way to the surface. _He was safe_. A ridiculous notion, to say the least. He was a Death Eater, high in rank in such a shirt time. He was considered on of the more prized by the Dark Lord – surely an honour. The wizarding world may have seen a different view; seeking to stamp out the Death Eaters and the dark Lord himself. They would soon be privy to the full load of the Dark Lord's power, and would see how wrong they had been. The Dark Lord was gaining power rapidly; it was a matter of time. Snape revelled in the success his lord was having.

One glance back at Lily, and he wasn't so certain of his desires anymore. Power along the side of the Dark Lord had been something he wished for…

Lily Evans also made him doubt what he'd been striving for since he had left Hogwarts.

And tried to forget her. She was Muggle-born – Mudblood, he thought, staring at her hungrily. He couldn't make her fit the label.

He knew it was wrong to be there. He would rather not suffer the Dark Lord's displeasure, which would be sure to be violent, if he ever found out about this little…visit, for lack of a better word.

A delicate curl of pride blossomed in him. The Dark Lord was indeed an accomplished Leglimens, perhaps the most accomplished, but he was an even better Occlumens. Snape wanted his thoughts to be his own – he feared he would be considered unworthy for some of them.

Snape stepped forward, attempting to get a better look at Lily. A branch cracked under his foot, and he cringed, waiting for the crowd to come after him. He had no doubt he would not be welcomed into the celebration.

A ray of light glittered off a pair of glasses, a pair that belonged to a subdued thatch of dark hair. Hated came rushing to Snape, a knot of it hitting him in the stomach. He felt sick with loathing as he saw James Potter standing at the front of the guests, watching Lily walk toward him. She fell in beside him. He took her hand, and she gave him a look that could only be constructed as one thing. Jealousy drove deeper into Snape. He had always wanted her to look at him like that. Didn't he deserve it more than James Potter? He had been her friend for years, helping her out and listening to her troubles. One misstep, that was all he had made, and now he was the one watching from the side, instead of Potter, like it should be. He gripped his wand.

A short priest was speaking now, and Snape loosened his grip on his wand, allowing it to be held limply by his side. He couldn't destroy Potter.

Part of him, the Death Eater side, was disgusted. The other part continued to look at Lily. He hadn't seen her for a year or so – he'd heard about her; rumour had it that she was very active in the anti-Dark Lord movement. He tried to ignore the bitter feeling he had about that. He couldn't be bitter about Lily and whatever she believed in so fiercely.

A breeze kicked up, blowing her hair from her face. Her eyes, the green orbs that had so often smiled and teased him when they were younger, were focused on Potter.

The priest finished speaking with a flourish. Snape gripped a young tree, with his free hand, to keep himself grounded.

Potter reached for Lily and kissed her. She responded fully, ignoring the catcalls of the crowd. Snape recognized Sirius Black, who was whistling, and Remus Lupin, clapping calmly – that hatred renewed itself slightly. Peter Pettigrew was there as well, off to the side. Snape's lips curled in a sneer. There was one of the old quartet he felt he was a peg or two above.

The new couple broke apart – James looked joyful and proud; Lily blushing and rapturous. Snape tried to muster up some more hatred, anything at all to give him an excuse to leave the shelter of the trees, and blast Potter into pieces. He felt and ache, instead, one that intensified as he looked upon Lily.

If they continued to be friends, he wondered, would she have told him she was getting married? Would she have been happy to tell him?

Would it have been him instead?

In front of him, Potter picked up Lily. She was shrieking with laughter. He kissed her again. Snape felt the ache twist in him. He stepped behind the tree again. He shrank into the forest.

He fled. He hadn't been meant to see this, to see her. With her laugh echoing in his ears and her face swimming in his thought again, he Disapprated, ready to join his fellow Death Eaters once more.

Fervently, he hoped he wouldn't lapse again.


End file.
